I am God and God is me and we are all ecstatic.
Started off trying to play piano, as it began to hit hard, gave up and laid on the floor. Mind roaming all over the place. Lots of stuff going on in my life right now: pending divorce,being dad to my 5 yr old daughter and 2 yr old step daughter, stuff at work, relationship with a wonderful and intellectually complex woman.....
Had just finished Wavy Gravy's "Something Good For a Change" (begun at the tail of my last excursion, a week prior), and kept thinking: "god, my life's such a complicated mess", then: "what a ridiculous situation" then: "it IS ridiculous, it's funny!", then being overcome with giggling. Then I'd launch down memory lane, coming back to the present with a thought like "gee, I did kind of a half-assed job on that at work today", then off to somewhere else in my life's history. This continued for ~ half an hour, with me not feeling sorry for myself or down on myself, yet at the same time thinking that my life, or my way of living it, could be better.
I flashed on something I had started to work on last week, on a much milder trip with my significant other. I wanted to make my mind like an infinite plain, where no thoughts could hide, and everything was right there in the open, on the same level. At the time, told this to ML, who is much more psychologically oriented than I, and she said she was spending lots of her trip watching her brain think about itself.
Back in the "here" and "now", I put those 2 concepts together. I started thinking about my thoughts, and watching them be thunk,. This set up some kind of infinite recursive feedback loop, and all of a sudden, WHAM! I was pushed over to the other side, into the ineffable, unknowable,undescibable God Zone. Conscious thought was a completely impossible miracle, and I was right there, in the eternal now. Self evident cosmic truths came bubbling up, like:" It just is." " Why? Because." And my favorite: "So?........So What!" which begat a giggling fit. Writhing and rolling on the floor, out of my mouth coming "Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God...."
Wrote a song about it, goes like this:
"Oh God Oh
God Oh God Oh God
Oh Man Oh Man Oh Man Oh Man
It was impossible to be this high, yet I was. I couldn't believe it- of course, cause it's beyond belief.
Right before I broke through, my mind was getting very busy, and I had been hoping to reach some kind of Zen like calm, a place of no thought, just being. Well, it wasn't like that. My mind was so melted, and feverishly thinking, but not about anything. There was no fear- sometimes an idea would pop up like "I've totally lost it, I'm crazy, and I'm never coming down". To which came the response "So?...... So What!" I was completely beyond any emotion other than ecstacy. The more I tried to think about it, the more I tried to think at all, the more awestruck I became. The whole world was based on thought, perception, awareness, consciousness- it exists, life exists, cause we _know_ it does. Where does this awareness come from, where does it go when our bodies die? This busy happy bubbling God Soup, that's where.
After a while, my body got restless, so I stood up and wandered around the dark house. There were some token trippy effects, that, another time would have been quite engaging: beautiful complex 3D patterns, odd perceptual changes. They almost seemed beside the point. Looked outside- the sky was strikingly beautiful.
After an eternity, or a couple of seconds, or a couple of hours by the clock, my brain started getting tired. More work than you'd think, this God stuff. I realized I was coming down- an hour ago I thought it would be impossible to _ever_ come down! Started feeling like coming down might be a good idea, and it was seeming inevitable anyway. Had a pack of American Spirits in the freezer for just such an occaision. A few puffs of tobacco started my descent back to ground....
All of a sudden feeling cold and sleepy. Laid down in bed, and just 5 hours after ingestion, immediately fell into a deep sleep. Woken up by ML 2 hours later- shes a midwife on call, and had to drop off her daughter to go to a birth. Turned out to be a good thing, cause I can write this while it's still fresh in my mind..........
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